all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize