did you get engaged???
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
