Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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