This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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