Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
