can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
