There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just high enough for therapy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
