What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
