the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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