I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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