he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize