i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
