im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it's great music for shaving your balls
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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