Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize