Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
