I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
