the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We got so high we made milksteak
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
