Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
