she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Randomize
