a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
