so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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