oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
