um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
