He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
