Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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