How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
