I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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