I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How does one acquire holy water?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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