The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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