I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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