This is not my ceiling
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
