I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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