You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
