i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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