The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
