Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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