I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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