Plan B is the new Plan A
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
