Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
