i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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