No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize