i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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