I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
