im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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