My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
