This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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