i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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