I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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