: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
