So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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