I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
and you said cock pushups were impossible
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
