I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize