I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
