Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
