he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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