I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i've created a new STD.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
