If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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