# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize