life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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