There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
