I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
