I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
a search helicopter?!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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